the Spotted Pear
The Finest Source of News for America's Finest School
2 Ed. Vol. 1.
A great counter.
Student Association of Late-Bloomers
NHS: Normally High Students
"If you give us the money, we'll give them the cardboard."
"This computer changed my life! No more crashes, no more trips to the mental hospital!
Ed. 1. Vol. 1
NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
Old Shoes Subject of Sophomore Worship
Practice Field. June.
A crowd of deranged sophomores forms below a mysterious pair of Black shoes. Chanting in a strange tongue, they leap and prance around one shaman, who leads the ceremony. Eyes to the shoes, the leader rhythmically thrusts his pointed staff in the air. Onlookers watch, eyes transfixed, baffled by the strange, demented antics.
"…klajf kikeldiap dhe l;oeinz eyqpcneal endn..." murmurs the shaman, whom from now on will be called "Priest of Tiny Sack".
"I have no idea what that means, but when I hear those words…I get…an urge…" says one onlooker, as they strip to the waist, grab a bag of chilled hotdogs, and begin to race around the field, throwing wieners and screaming, "Go my little companions! Be free! Don't let them hurt you! Escape while you are still coated with genetically modified Cockroach phlegm!"
The sky darkens as the ring around Priest of Tiny Sack grows frantic. The wind starts to howl, lighting strikes, thunder roars, the leaves rustle, the grass dies, the polar icecaps melt, the coasts flood, volcanoes erupt, earthquakes rumble, the Osbournes curse, children go cross-eyed, locusts fill the air, hard drives crash, power-plants shutdown, nuclear reactors blow, pens go empty, the Daimondbacks win the World Series, continents collide, Latin is reinstated, AIDS disappears, Ebola reappears, and Windows ME is installed on every computer on Earth.
Thrusts with the staff become more frequent, and the shoes start to hypnotically bob up-and-down.
When questioned regarding the purpose of the ceremony, a large student wearing an Alligator skin and a t-shirt with "I Serve the Priest of Tiny Sack" on the front, responded, "Purpose? Well…um…er…uhhhh…I…um…am not authorized to tell you that. I am one of Tiny Sack."
Suddenly, with a gigantic, climatic thrust with his stick, Priest of Tiny Sack sends the shoes sailing through the air. All celebration ceases. The ring of sophomores recedes. Priest of Tiny Sack steps back, and raises his arms in celebration before getting some watermelon and lemonade. As he drinks, the wind stops howling, the lightening stops striking, the thunder stops roaring, the leaves stop rustling, the grass comes to life, the icecaps freeze, the flood waters recede, the volcanoes close up, the earthquake ceases, the Osbournes curse more, the children go straight-eyed, the locusts die, hard-drives restore backups, power-plants and nuclear reactors start generating, pens are filled, the Daimondbacks are mauled to death by angry Yankee fans, the continents bounce off one-another, English slaughters Latin, AIDS comes back, Sadam keeps some Ebola for himself, and Windows is erased from all computers.
The field is left empty, and a large, mile-wide crater is all that is left to remind us of the strange events on this special Friday.
Distraught Father Says Son is Learning Too Much
"My son is learning too much!" complained a distraught father at a PTA meeting last weekend, "At this rate he'll get into college! If that happens it will be horrible for the family image!"
Gareth Stronge is currently a senior in high school with a 3.2 GPA, and upon graduation will become the first of the Stronge family line to complete 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade.
"I credit my success to my wonderful teachers," commented Gareth, "Without them, I'd be sweeping up rat poison and kitty litter in the local animal shelter for the rest of my life."
But Gareth may not get into college, at least, he may not be able to go to college. His father is fully against Gareth's educational campaign.
"I won't let him go!" cried the student's father, "If he learns how to do them math problems and read, all my buddies from the Trailer-Park-Bar will think I'm a wuss…to have an educated son and all."
Yet Gareth has a strong body of support rallying behind him. The day after the PTA meeting a group of teachers and concerned students held a public protest on the father's front sidewalk, pleading the adamant father to amend his viewpoint.
"We will not let anyone get in the way of our students future," said Gareth's Algebra II teacher, bearing the sign -'Teachers lead the way, so students do not stray'."
After forty-three hours, thirteen speeches, eight inspirational teachers, an appearance by the pope, and three-tons of rainbow confetti, the exhausted parent relented.
In a touching moment between Gareth and his father we heard these words, "Go to college, but don't come back." The two then embraced each other, and the pope left.